My new man is 35 years younger than me. Why does society disapprove? Ask Ellie

Dear readers: How important is an age difference between two adults in love? Is there a different reaction if a man, not a woman, is the much younger partner? Read on:

Q: I am a woman in a great relationship with a charming and talented man who is 33 years old. I am 68 years old. Friends say I look at least 10 years younger.

My boyfriend and I are perfectly suited creatively and intellectually, very compatible in interests and hobbies, and enjoy a wonderful love life together.

There is no risk that he will take advantage of me for my money.

We met after he placed an intriguing ad in the newspaper’s “companions wanted” column detailing the ages of the women he wanted to meet.

He explained that women his age did not interest him. He prefers older women. I, too, prefer younger men.

Why does society generally frown on such relationships?

We often hear of older men marrying much younger women, but it rarely raises eyebrows. But we are often on our guard and think that we need to hold back in public and want to kiss or hold hands.

None of us want to be judged. Our two families are curious, but united. Your views?

A: Considering the many unhappy relationships between couples of so-called “appropriate” ages, yours is a happy meeting of two people who knew what suited them.

When it comes to age-related assumptions about the future, every couple faces the possibility of change due to health issues that can happen to the younger or older person.

Plus, you’ve already trusted him completely and probably had your finances secured before you even met him.

It is a gift to have families who support us in the judgmental period we are living in. Stay close to them.

Public affection? I would say the same to all couples: holding hands is gentle, but a deep kiss is private intimacy.

Q: My best friend’s wife has cancer. They discovered the tumor while trying to find out why they didn’t get pregnant.

They are both absolutely devastated because they cannot start a family until the cancer is under control. It is too early to know what the prognosis will be.

My “problem” is that my friend didn’t tell me! His mother called me because she was afraid neither he nor his wife would tell anyone about it. I’m definitely his best friend, so if he hasn’t told me, he hasn’t told anyone!

How to approach the subject? Should i? We have an amazing friendship – we’ve never had any secrets, share everything and are completely open with each other.

He knows that I would have no judgment and that I just want to help in any way I can. Where do I go from here?

A: Proceed in a very thoughtful manner. It is a complex and frightening time for the couple. Cancer scares not only the woman who does not get pregnant, but also all her health. Yet when the tests are done and the tumor is assessed, their future may look much brighter.

During this time, they crouched together in silence. Maybe his wife insisted on it until they knew more. Respect their decision.

Do what is the least intrusive – for example, send him an email or call him – without saying that his mother hasn’t told you anything. Just ask him if he can go have coffee with you, or whatever is usual between you.

He may or may not tell you that he is waiting for news that could be disastrous or a relief. It will open when he can handle it.

Ellie’s Tip of the Day

If you love / trust someone much younger or older, live your life and relationship without fear of being judged.

Ellie Tesher is a consulting columnist for The Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions by email: [email protected]


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